3 things that happen when you make friends with yourself

Thunderous applause. Blinding spotlights. Racing heart. With legs like jelly, I tottered off the stage. I did it! I had played my first piano concerto. After weeks of sleepless nights of horror, I was walking off the stage today as a panic veteran. Not a single wrong note, not laughed at by anyone. I was practically bursting with pride, joy, and various other dopamine-fuelled feelings. I couldn't wait to tell everyone about it at school the next morning. But no cheers awaited me there ... Instead, my classmates gave me a pat on the back. “Imagination is also an education,” they said.

Ouch. That one stung. And so much so that I can still remember it today, almost twenty years later. 

The lesson I learned then, and many times after, was only logical to me: If you think you've done well, others will see it as bragging. And nobody likes a braggart. So psssssst.

Maybe you know the feeling. Those moments when you've done something great. But before you even begin to celebrate yourself, your inner critic comes around the corner and starts in: No, you didn't earn that. It's nice that you're happy, but well... Anyone else could have done it, probably even better. It's nothing. What's so special about your performance now?

I told myself this stuff for a long, long time. And I still quite enjoy telling myself. And sometimes it's good to listen to your inner critic. However, as soon as the conversations with your inner critic start to take over, they can quickly set off an unhealthy spiral of unkindness. In my case, this ultimately led to me not really liking myself anymore. And someone who doesn't like themselves has a real problem. After all, they have to spend 24/7 with themselves 365 days a year.

That's why I'm now doing a little advertising for the benefits of being friends with yourself. These three things happen when you simply start being nicer to yourself.

1. Your relationships improve

Those who do not love themselves in the right way cannot love others either. For the right love of oneself is also the natural goodness towards others. Self-love is therefore not self-obsession, but goodness. – Robert Musil

This quote hits the nail on the head. Having a good relationship with yourself frees your mind. Free from thoughts like: What will others think? Can I really say that now? What does that look mean? What they're thinking now, who knows! Is what I'm doing right now?

Someone who is on friendly terms with themselves no longer has to spend excessive time constantly questioning themselves and interpreting every sideways glance. If you like yourself, you have a corresponding head start and authenticity advantage. You can concentrate much more intensely on other things that are really important right now. For example, the person you're talking to. Being able to engage with someone is an art that works much better when your ego isn't constantly interrupting because it's preoccupied with itself or its complexes. So when you are good to yourself, you're basically doing it not only for yourself, but for the people who need you, your true self, your advice, your warmth, and your undivided attention.

2. You get love when you need it most

The beauty of close friends is that you can always call them when you're feeling down. And in that moment, that really does feel good and is absolutely important. But sometimes this comforting feeling of love quickly evaporates again. Maybe even ten minutes after the conversation is over, your best friend is gone, and you're alone again with yourself and your thoughts. And sometimes, when things get really bad, even talking to your loved ones doesn't help you feel better. The love from the outside simply rushes past you.

The thing is: Your best friend, Mum, or another high-ranking source of love can't always be available. We will never be free from moments when we need ourselves. When we desperately need our own compassion and care. In the worst moments of your life, hardly anything is as important as the relationship you have built with yourself. If you start treating yourself like your best friend every now and then, you are preparing yourself for moments when you urgently need exactly that best friend. And you will probably be very grateful for it.

3. You become more realistic

What do you think: What percentage of the participants in an overpriced "Tschaka-Tschaka-Live-Your-Dream-and-Finally-Be-Happy" seminar have a pleasant and realistic relationship with themselves? I would almost think it could be more. No wonder: We are told everywhere that we are somehow not enough. That we have too many weaknesses that we need to optimise away. That we should have been living a much more exciting life for ages. That we simply had to be somehow better. And off we go with the optimisation craze.

I claim that, basically, we only want one thing: contentment. And contentment is most likely to arise when we have a good relationship with reality, namely with what IS. So also with who we are right now. This self doesn't have to be set in stone. You can like your current self and still strive to develop further. 

That is the difference with those who confuse "being happy" with "being different" – and therefore want to optimise away every little flaw. If we want to be different, it often happens that we no longer have a realistic picture of what really suits us and chase goals that aren't really ours.

The friend in us sees when we become estranged from ourselves. Because they have distance from the thoughts that bombard us every day. A friend knows pretty well where our strengths and weaknesses lie. A good friend often has more clarity about us than we do ourselves. That is what a good relationship with yourself means: clarity. And on this clarity we can build.

Funny enough, a psychological study found that we don't necessarily gain this clarity through self-reflection. [1] [1] Book: Tasha Eurich (2017) Insight: Why we're not as self-aware as we think, and why seeing ourselfs clearly helps us succeed at work and in life   Yes, you read that right. Sometimes too much time with self-reflection can even lead to our self-awareness becoming distorted. So instead of thinking too much about ourselves, we should rather collect hard facts about ourselves and try to infer behavioural patterns from them. What does your calendar say about you? What priorities do you set during the day, during the week? What does your credit card statement say about you? What do the websites you visit daily say about you? 

Being on friendly terms with yourself is not about praising and worshipping yourself every day. It's about being content with yourself. Now and as we are – whatever may happen. And if you are proud, you don't need to hide it. You shouldn't even hide it. You would never forbid your best friend from being proud. You would be happy for them. So be happy with yourself: You deserve it.

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This post is by Lena Schulte, full-time grin-back and online editor. Since her studies in cognitive science, she has been fascinated by human consciousness and likes to conduct secret perception experiments in the editorial office.

Sources:

[1] Book: Tasha Eurich (2017) Insight: Why we're not as self-aware as we think, and why seeing ourselfs clearly helps us succeed at work and in life