4 Exercises to Learn to Say No – Finally Make Time for Yourself

Do you often spend your weekend baking cakes for parties you’d rather not attend? Do you frequently proofread the homework of people who have never done you a favour? Or do you occasionally watch a terrible movie just because your friends really wanted to see it? If the word “actually” regularly creeps into your vocabulary while a clear “no” is hard to say, then the following exercises for learning to say no are just right for you. 

Why It’s Hard for Us to Say No

Many people don’t dare to say no because they fear their counterpart’s reaction. What if the other person gets angry and thinks we’re selfish? The fear of rejection and our guilty conscience have evolutionary roots. Millions of years ago, humans had to avoid being excluded from a group at all costs. Cooperative people had an evolutionary advantage because no one could survive alone in the wilderness. This primal fear still often controls our behaviour without us realising it – even though, rationally speaking, we can certainly survive in today’s civilization if we turn down someone’s request for a favour. [1] [1] Emotional Reactions to Interpersonal Rejection: Mark R. Leary/Dialogues in Clinical Neuroscience (2015): Emotional Responses to Interpersonal Rejections

Saying no doesn’t mean only thinking about yourself and never doing anyone a favour again. It’s about distinguishing whether you enjoy doing something for others or only do it because you feel obligated. If you take on all sorts of commitments, you’ll eventually feel overwhelmed and exhausted. A clear no creates space for the things that are personally important to you. After all, whenever you say “yes” to something, you are also saying “no” to something else – whether it’s more time for family and friends, your hobbies, or enough sleep. 

The ability to say the word no is the first step towards freedom. – Nicolas Chamfort

The Art of Saying No in 4 Exercises

1. Write Down Your Priorities

What is truly important to you in life? What do you want to do more of, and what less? By writing down your personal values and priorities, you’ll see more clearly what you want and what you don’t. It will become easier to say no to things that are not in line with your priorities. 

For example, imagine that “more time for relaxation” is at the top of your priority list. Now a colleague asks you to bake a cake for the annual company party. If you love making multi-tiered themed cakes in your free time and find it completely relaxing, you’ll probably be happy to agree. It’s quite different to grudgingly agree when you regularly fail with ready-made baking mixes and would rather get on with your annual tax return or read a book than bake a cake.

Those who automatically say yes often focus only on what the other person wants and forget what is important to them. Writing down your priorities helps you make more conscious decisions.

A no from the bottom of your heart is better and greater than a yes intended to gain favour or – even worse – avoid trouble. – Mahatma Gandhi

2. Schedule Appointments with Yourself 

Sometimes it’s hard for us to say no because we think we don’t have a good enough excuse. If you urgently need to do your taxes over the weekend, it probably won’t be hard to turn down a party you don’t feel like attending. But what do you do when you “just” want to spend a cosy evening at home because you’ve had a stressful week? Or if you’ve decided to try out a new hobby over the weekend?

Block out time in your calendar for short breaks and things that are important to you. When you schedule appointments with yourself, you ensure that you regularly have time for yourself. If your mother-in-law then calls and invites you over for coffee, you can say with a clear conscience that you already have plans. You don’t have to tell her that you want to make flower arrangements or lie cosily on the sofa and read a novel. In our 6-Minute-Success Journal, for example, you’ll find your very own daily to-relax list, where you can enter appointments with yourself. It is just as important as your daily to-do list.

3. Set Limits Even in Your Free Time

The Cuban cocktail course your friends organised. Your colleague’s Hollywood-themed party. The new trampoline park your nephew really wants to try out. The options available in our free time seem endless, and many people are afraid of missing out on something important if they don’t accept everything. This phenomenon is also described as FOMO (Fear of Missing Out) and is associated with stress, exhaustion, and sleep problems. [2] [2] The Fear of Missing Out: Nick Hobson/Psychology Today (2018): The Science of FOMO and What We Are Really Missing Out On

After all, if you say yes to everything, leisure time can quickly turn into stress. Personal limits can help you make decisions. For example, you can limit your social engagements to two evenings during the week because you know from experience that you’ll be exhausted otherwise. Or you can decide to set aside an afternoon at the weekend for your hobby. 

If you consciously set limits in your free time, you will no longer see everything as a missed opportunity and will be able to turn down invitations more easily.

People who are always thinking about what others think of them would be very surprised to know how little others think about them. – Bertrand Russell

4. Phrase Refusals Skillfully

To make it easier for you to say no, you can prepare a few good phrases in advance. Be direct and honest, and avoid lengthy explanations. It is also important to remain polite. 

Diplomatic phrases include, for example: 

• “Thank you for thinking of me, but unfortunately....”  
• “What a nice invitation, but I’m afraid I can’t make it.” 
• “I’m really sorry, but this isn’t a good time.”

Perhaps you can offer a compromise. “Unfortunately, I don’t have time to help you move. But come over tomorrow and I’ll cook for us.” If this is difficult for you at first, you can ask for time to think: “Let me check my calendar at home.” 

Those Who Say No Take Responsibility

You've written down your priorities and carefully considered how you want to use your free time consciously. You've prepared some great phrases in advance and phrased your refusal politely and directly. Despite all your efforts, the other person is now furious and is blaming you.

Of course, such a situation is unpleasant, but unfortunately it can't always be avoided. Saying no means taking responsibility for yourself and your decisions and accepting that you can never please everyone. As long as you remain polite and give notice in good time, it is not your fault if someone lets a refusal ruin their mood.  

Being able to say no is a sign of healthy self-confidence and personal maturity. [3] [3] Saying no is related to self-confidence: Katrin Hummel/FAZ (2016): No! Instead of worrying about what others think, try thinking about what you can do with your newly won time.

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This post was written by Maria Röckmann. While studying journalism in Down Under, she one day held a microphone up to a man’s face, fell in love with him, and stayed there. Unless she is driving around Brisbane with her children visiting playgrounds, she writes for the 6-Minuten-Verlag or works on her first novel.

Sources:

[1] Emotional Reactions to Interpersonal Rejection: Mark R. Leary/Dialogues in Clinical Neuroscience (2015): Emotional Responses to Interpersonal Rejections

[2] The Fear of Missing Out: Nick Hobson/Psychology Today (2018): The Science of FOMO and What We Are Really Missing Out On

[3] Saying no is related to self-confidence: Katrin Hummel/FAZ (2016): No!